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Warning: Rambling ahead!

Over lunch two days ago I was telling my companion and dear friend (same person) about work. We had been colleagues for almost two years, and I am not shy to share my opinion and stories with her, regardless of how the anecdotes make me look.

Her opinion of me is I allow emotions to get in the way of work, and that never bodes well for the future. To be fair to myself I’m still learning about my workplace; all the unspoken rules, who not to offend, who to steer clear of, who is good to work with. I think I am emotional in the sense that I am not used to getting yelled at at work, and it would bother me for days no matter how much I tell myself I shouldn’t be bothered.

Five minutes before I left work on Friday my boss came over to my desk to scream at me and even though I am usually a cheerful and easy going person I could not concentrate during dinner or a movie afterwards. I was also convinced if I were in the same situation it would be best if I didn’t meet anyone after a run-in with my boss.

Therefore I decided to just not give a fuck.

My friends have been telling me to update my résumé and send it out to companies and I sometimes wonder if they know how recruitment works. It’s the end of the year, nobody wants to quit, and then I’ll have to wait until January to find something else.

I also had bad experiences with interviews from September 2018 to February 2019. People who know me well will tell me ‘Don’t be so confrontational!’ (I am not, but with that being said I wouldn’t bend backwards and be agreeable just for the sake of being agreeable) but if you had sat through an interview as a minority, you could probably relate. Even people who were born the same colour as I sometimes cannot relate because they’ve never been prejudiced like that.

I don’t hope for better days at work. I hardly leave things to chance. So while I’m still there I am determined to learn as much as I can. This job is really good at teaching me how to improve communication skills (because most people don’t have the essentials so they really come across as uneducated and uncouth) and how to be patient.

In the meantime, I should learn to not be affected by the screaming. I should compartmentalise my life so that when it comes to having sex after work I might finally be able to relax.

Stupid Things People Ask Me

I cannot really write a lengthy entry today so to cut one long story short: if we hadn’t talked in a while, I quit my job in September 2018, and remained unemployed until I received a phone call sometime in February this year about a job. If I had been given a choice, I would totally not have taken it, but a job is after all a job, and if it didn’t pay too poorly then why the hell not?

I find my colleagues mostly sheltered and uneducated, and while I would have allowed myself to assimilate to such people around me in the past, I am just getting old, just set in certain quirky Bonneka ways, so while nothing has ever escalated to contention, I constantly find myself feeling sick to my stomach about how people behave.

My colleagues all seem to have one thing in common – asking stupid questions. I have developed this checking system (it’s not something I consciously do). Is it anyone’s business? Is the person I’m talking to open-minded enough to accept my response? Is it a stupid question? If it’s No, No, Yes, I usually offer my best Mona Lisa smile and get back to whatever I had been doing.

Question 1: If there is a Malay guy that you really like would you date him?

Although S thinks I am a liddle bit racist I don’t think so. I always tell my friends it’s not about a guy being Malay. Being Malay by itself doesn’t bother me, but I have dated and talked to enough Malay men in my twenties to sense an undesirable pattern. However, I also have dated Chinese men or (insert race here) men who also behaved like the Malay men I try my best to avoid. Therefore, it’s not about race, it’s more about the kind of assholes I am attracted to or I attracted.

The answer to this stupid question is: Yes, if I really like him I will date him. Full stop.

Question 2: Why did you change your name?

I never felt connected to my birth name and would always wince when I was called upon in school or when my mom called me. Out of respect for my mother I didn’t change my name until after her death.

People always can’t accept the “I just didn’t like my birth name” as an answer.

Question 3: Why are you westernized?

This question makes me feel all sorts of things I never thought I was capable to feel. People, including me until sometime ago, think that the western world is so advanced, and that people are all liberal and allow their children to be sluts and lose their innocence at 16 (or insert any number that will qualify as ‘controversial’) years old. That can’t be further from the truth, and the thing is this: some people are more liberal than others, then there are people who aren’t, everywhere.

I am not a confrontational person most of the time because there is nothing much to achieve from being that way but I have been called vocal many times. I don’t think I’m rude. I know how to read a room, so it’s not like anything I say in public is off-colour/racist/mean.

Question 4: Do you have children? Oh you don’t? Malays usually have a lot of children!

I don’t like to discuss personal choices such as which political party I vote for, and whether I want to have children. The answer is a big fat no (for children), but I do have moments when I feel maternal, and that maybe having a child would be nice. But then I pull my head out of my ass and continue being childless because I just don’t want children. I might change my mind but the mind changing is only temporary. And it’s a question I’m sick of answering. I also don’t care if you suddenly have children yourself and think it’s the best thing on earth. I don’t comment on the choices you make.

I have lots more but I have dinner right now so I will continue later.

Hello, World

I tried a different blogging platform in the past year and while I would consider myself extremely tech savvy, I wasn’t entirely happy with the interface. I didn’t like how the sections were organised and how the blog loaded on mobile.

When I first started blogging as a teenager, I had used ujournal, and then I switched to Livejournal, and then for a long time I used Blogger. I also had a (now-defunct) Multiply account, and I thought (still do!) that was a neat platform. You could write lengthy entries on your blog but have a separate section for photos. If you’re into that sort of thing. Then for the past few years before the switch I was on WordPress. I really liked it then.

Before I started this blog, I wanted to know its function so I could narrow it down to the platform that would be perfect for my blog. I’m not a huge fan of splashing photos (although I still use Instagram), and I know my posts will be sporadic. I of course want you to get to know me, the same way I hope to get to know you, but at the same time I wish to remain anonymous. Some of the things I will write here have never been shared with anyone else. They’re not raunchy stories. Just things I never really felt confident to talk about.

Just an introduction to start things off: I have a blog just to pass some time and entertain my friends. I chose the name Bonneka because it sounds close to my official name without really giving it away. I like to read, although like most other people who like to read too, I should probably read more. I also want to learn new things and my sense is when you must write something you will be forced to do research 😛

Other things (not crucial): I am a 30-something female and live in Singapore with my dad and our five-year-old cat. I have never been married. I don’t have children. Don’t plan to have children. I had been to one concert in my entire life.

I want to read comments, too! I am not too bothered if I don’t get any but say hello if you have the time, or like something you read.