Pizza is Always a Good Idea

I had an unbelievably tough day at work (I work from home nowadays) and when it was time to officially knock off I took my blood sugar levels, then went straight to the kitchen to make pizza on toast. Packed a few to deliver to my sister who lives 5 minutes away.

I like making them all sloppy and messy (Have no idea why!). Toppings vary. This evening I opted for ham, sausage, some of them had stir fried beef mixed with my tomato sauce.

What do you put on yours?

😍😍

Quick Dinner Tonight

With the circuit breaker in place (my country’s version of a lock down), I haven’t really been cooking. I usually just order (it is called GrabFood, and it’s my country’s version of Uber Eats). Over the past two months I’ve eaten a lot of Japanese, Korean, Thai and Chinese.

I eventually got sick of delivery food!

Whenever I reach this point I go back to basics that I can make at home. Nothing too fancy. Soups. Fried rice. Chicken in some gravy. Food I’ve, over the years, elected as ‘comfort food’.

Dinner was a perfect time for me to cook something simple. I was busy the entire day. I like my bowl or plate of food to be very colourful so when I’m not too lazy I opt to include some form of protein, leafy greens, some carrots cooked not too soft but not hard either. I don’t like potatoes!

In Malay cooking we usually sauté onions and a bit of garlic at the start. The Malays use a lot of oil especially when they make sambal, as it acts as a preservative so you could just stick it in the fridge or freezer for a long time and use it for all kinds of cooking. Onions sweeten your food, and when I cook I like that I am very aware and feel awake. I smell and taste test something great, I can hear the wok/pot sizzling, I can see everything happening. And of course I touch stuff. Just not anything hot! 🔥 (or parts of my body)

I don’t like yellow noodles at all so I stir-fried kway teow (flat and wide noodles). Other ingredients I used were thinly-sliced beef (they cook really quickly), some chye sim, and the paste was blended chili (store bought), some (maybe 2 table spoons) oyster sauce, some ketchup, and salt to taste (I don’t eat my food too salty). I don’t consciously use MSG in my cooking to enhance the taste, but I’m sure whatever I put (even whatever made from scratch) contains some form of not-so good things.

The result was OK. Nothing too exciting, but I felt very satisfied.

How do you like your noodles?

I Made Food

This evening for dinner I made beef noodle soup and baked some sweet Thai chili chicken.

The beef noodle soup turned out better than expected. The beef is really tender! I was a bit anxious because the Knorr beef cubes were out of stock. At home I only have Ikan Bilis (anchovies) and Tom Yam stock cubes but I was not desperate enough to use any of the two. I boiled my beef for two hours. Used some of that stock (I don’t like it just like that), put chopped lemongrass, a bit of vinegar, blended a huge onion, sauteed all those things, seasoned it throughout cooking, added water, threw some fish balls in, added chye sim, threw my boiled beef in, brought it to a boil and served it with noodles. The garnish was coriander and some fried shallots. I like eating beef noodle soup with cili jeruk (simple, cut up red and green cili, you can pour hot water over it, then add vinegar until the chili bits ‘drown’ in them, you can of course season it with a bit of salt, a tiny sprinkle of fine sugar).

Voila. Try it! 😊😊

Crying

My mother died two years ago.

It was unexpected and very sudden and it’s one of those things that happened in my life that I still cannot seem to move on from.

One day in January 2018 I called my mom from work because she had a doctor’s appointment and I wanted to know how it went. I was in a long-distance relationship then, and while on the phone call my mom said she’d talk to me at home because she was tired. I was a bit taken aback because we usually had short phone calls throughout the day and this was shorter than short.

I think if you read about people crying all the time you won’t really be concerned, but I hardly cried before 2018. I was very cheerful, very driven, very sharp, very confident, and I spent equal amounts of time with my mom and friends. I was social and I knew how to be a friend and a cool daughter.

I called my then boyfriend immediately after that phone call, and in between sobs I told him I was gonna lose my mom. I didn’t know when I’d lose her or how I knew, but I knew I was losing her. He was probably puzzled and didn’t understand my phone call, because she was not sick, the year was just starting, I was in hysterics and when I got home I just cried throughout dinner.

It was a really stressful time for me then. I am the youngest of three kids. I’m a lot more closer to my brother because, probably we’re practically the same age, and my sister is a bit of a dimwit lost in her own world. You always have to explain cause-and-effect to her, and during critical times I would wonder how the fuck we’re related.

I pulled my mom out of the first hospital that treated her, put her in a second one (one I go to for my mental health problems) and two days later the doctor wanted to talk to me. The prognosis was bad. 3-6 months. The doctor cried when he told me. We were standing outside the room they wheeled my mom in. It was a Friday evening.

I told the doctor I’d like to talk to my brother first and I’d rather tell him in person. He was coming after work.

I just sobbed on my brother’s shoulder for what seemed like hours after I told him. I just turned 30, I said over and over. Life is not fair.

I don’t want to tell you what happened the night my mom died but she died on the Tuesday after I’d been told her prognosis was 3-6 months. She wasn’t the only person who died that night. A huge part of me did, too. I arranged her funeral in the middle of the night and had to entertain funeral guests who kept crying and saying I looked and sounded just like her. I did not cry at all in front of people. I mostly grieved in private. Got back to work in about 6 calendar days. But life wasn’t the same anymore.

I did tell a few of my friends about her death, how she died, why she died, how we knew she was gonna die. Repeated the story so many times.

Whoever I knew after 2018 I don’t really tell this story to them except maybe S, because it’s none of their business, and I just don’t really like to talk about it to strangers who didn’t know her. Even when F asked me about it I just gave a nonchalant shrug and told him she died, end of story, and then went back to bed.

Before this COVID-19 blew up in our faces I told myself this was the year I would finally step outside and regain some semblance of the person I was before 2018. I should remember how it was to be social? Apparently I didn’t. I don’t like crowds. I have absolutely no patience to sit through dinner at very noisy places. I always want to be home. Then now the whole world is bursting at its seams and I don’t even know what I’m doing anymore.

The first Mother’s Day after she died was the toughest. I flew out to Sydney the week before that. Everywhere in Sydney there were signs about wonderful gifts to get mothers from well-designed cards to clothes to flowers to bags. I remember I walked back from Dymocks at George Street and just slept and slept and slept. Cried for a while and slept again. I liked Mother’s Day before that because it was a tradition for my mom to buy me a gift (I bullied her into it, not the other way around :p ) and we’d just spend the whole day together. I had never worked on her birthday before she died except one year when I was really busy. I still think about that day sometimes. I know it doesn’t make a difference but it would have been great if I knew how to chill.

This Mother’s Day (last week) my friend wrote me a message saying “Happy Mother’s Day to our mommas in heaven” and I just didn’t reply. I replied about other things. I wasn’t especially sad, no more than usual, and her own mom had died when we were in our teens. My friend was just a year away from university, and her mother had died in a terrible traffic accident.

I don’t know how to finish this post. I can’t even tell you things are gonna be OK when you lose a loved one. Because despite trying to be OK about it, and I tried a lot of things: talking about it, not talking about it, learning new things, taking a break, trying to be on top of my mental health, not taking my medicine. Nothing works. It is not a matter of “accepting” it. I am just still struggling a lot, and I could take all the medicine in the world to feel a little less pain, but I will just come right out and say it’s too much to take sometimes. So I really don’t know.

List of Random Things on My Mind

– I bought an oven. My old oven went kaput when I needed it most so I bought a new one at the supermarket near where I stay. I also wanted to get a vacuum cleaner but I couldn’t carry two heavy things. I was averse to the idea of having the supermarket deliver the items because I cannot delay gratification and needed the items then.

– I still don’t have a new vacuum cleaner.

– I used to read a lot. Preferred print to e-books but right now even though I seem to have more time, because I no longer commute, I just can’t sit down for more than an hour at a time reading.

– I realised I wanted a family. Not children; I just can’t afford them. I meant husband. I used to think marriage was an artificial arrangement. Now I am warming up to the idea. This COVID-19 really doesn’t only kill, it plants funny ideas in our heads. The one person I want to marry doesn’t want to get married, at all, it is not a me thing, it is a him thing, so I am not sure what’s going to happen. In this instance, what options do we have? Do we find someone else whose goals align with ours, or do we try to convince the person that marriage is gooood, then threaten them a bit with ‘If you don’t wanna marry me, I’m leaving you!!!’?

– I would like to bake something.

– I want to go to the museum.

– I miss my mom a lot, and have thought about suicide sometimes (how to marry if you have mental issues?). The hospital cancelled my appointments and moved them all to August. I understand the focus is on COVID-19 but diabetic bipolar people need their doctors, too.

– I should bake something like a cookie.

– I am still a bit sleepy so I shall sleep for a while.

– If you read my blog regularly, I want to know who you are. Send me a comment?

I am Sometimes Bimbotic

In real life a lot of people will say I am intelligent. I can argue with little anecdotes on why I disagree. Starting from when I was 15 years old, and a student. I must give you some back story about why I am sharing this tidbit, and it’s because I am building a website on how to tackle the PSLE questions. The national (approved, and non-alternative) media outlets’ published articles on home-based learning and how different pockets of society are coping (some good, some bad) further cemented my desire to get my website up and running.

Okay so 15-year-old me sitting for an English examination. In Singapore it is fairly normal for English exams to have components in situational (like a report) and continuous (something more creative and thematic) writing. I was OK in English but I sometimes rested on my laurels because my classmates struggled with the language so while I was not that good I was better than most. I think a key note was that most of my classmates were ordinary folks (like me) and sometimes grew up in households that didn’t use English. Fear mongering (If you fail English you cannot go anywhere ar! Also this is not the only factor) also contributed to their aversion to learning and mastering English.

I remember the question being about a competition held in a somewhat ‘wild’ (think exotic flora and fauna, so far removed from modern amenities and civilisation) and my task was to write a formal report about that competition (kind of like a newspaper article). No other details were given, so it left a lotttt to the imagination.

So I wrote about how an unconventional Miss Singapore Universe pageant was held in a secluded island and a bevy of beauties roughed it out in a series of competitions to emerge victor to eventually represent Singapore in the Miss Universe pageant. The premise is that we’re taking these hotties out of their comfort zones while expecting them to display grace, intelligence (because they needed to win some physical and some trivia type challenge) and empathy.

So I wrote all about it and when I was done with the paper I had some time to read through what I’d be submitting, and I sighed happily.

Until.

We all handed up our paper and started talking about it.

And everyone.. wrote about SURVIVOR. AND I WENT NOOOOOOOOOO. It didn’t cross my mind at all!!! First of all at that age I didn’t watch much TV except MTV’s Most Wanted to listen to and watch music videos, and I watched Monk (the OCD detective who was so brilliant at solving all crimes except the one that killed his wife) and while I was “acquainted” with the concept of reality TV I just didn’t watch most! (I still don’t, but I did enjoy The Simple Life)

So I ran to my English teacher and explained the pickle I was in and he told me to relax and he would read my paper before saying I was out of point.

He returned the paper to me and told me I had a great sense of humour and imagination, he left my paper to the bottom of the pile so he could read all the Survivor stories first and come to mine, and he told me he would just deduct a bit but I think I still scored the highest.

So that’s it. Point of the story is I sometimes just don’t see the obvious, and the results can be comical.

Places I’ve Been

Three weeks in the house minus the occasional errand and I am dreaming about a holiday. My dad wasn’t the only person who renewed his passport. I did, too about two months ago, and I haven’t traveled anywhere since May 2018. My mom died in 2018, and at that time I had an Australian boyfriend and I flew out to see him the first chance I had. Grief wasn’t really good for that relationship and I think we broke up the same month I flew to Australia. He lives in Sydney.

So Sydney. I’ve been twice. The first time I went I told people. The second time I went I think I only told my family. The thing about traveling or holidaying is I always know someone who lives wherever I am going. So they always want to meet. And I am not saying I don’t wanna meet them, because I am usually itinerary-less on my trips, but I am somewhat antisocial (sometimes) so I try not to tell people about my trips.

Sydney is like Singapore except everything closes at 5 or earlier. I live in Singapore. It is considered a small city if you compare it to Moscow or New York, but Sydney is something else. It’s like yeah it’s a city but at the same time it is rural. I did toy around the idea about moving there but I couldn’t handle the thought of everything closing at 5pm. Or possibly earlier because labour cost is expensive so why keep the shop open beyond 3pm? Plus it’s called Down Under for a reason and that is it’s so far away from the entire world. If you wanna get to Shanghai from Australia you’d have to fly for 13 hours. To Bangkok you need 10 hours. I get to Bangkok in 2.

I did nothing but eat and have sex in Sydney. That’s all I did. My ex-boyfriend worked in computing (another story for another day, because I always date software engineering men) so even when he took leave I’d just read a book while he worked for a while and then we’d go out to have lunch. Then walk. Then dinner. Then walk. Then back to the hotel. But when my mom died I had zero interest in sex so when I flew out to see him in May we fought more than we fucked. And even when we fucked it was horrendous because we were not in sync. He flew in the December before that to bring me to Sydney and we spent a quiet time in Singapore before that. And when my mom died I told him to fly to Singapore but he told me he couldn’t so he was gonna fly me out instead. This relationship made me realise I can’t do long distance and that I should stop dating computer dudes but I still did it (the latter).

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d like to take a solo trip but not anytime soon. When I travel people think I’m Chinese so I don’t want to be subject to racism while traveling. The Chinese of course don’t think I am Chinese.

Speaking of Chinese. I’ve been to China. I was in my very early twenties. My business school classmate and I didn’t want to travel to popular places such as Bangkok and Bali (I’ve never been to Bali) so we picked a Chinese city. We had to pick a city because neither of us could speak Mandarin so if you placed us in the middle of a very Chinese non-English speaking place we would probably die. I thought I couldn’t. Anyway this was before Wi-Fi and data roaming was cheap so we had to make do with a paper map (haha) and a phrase book. But we did OK, shopped like only a Singaporean could, and had tons of fun. We were broke by the second last night we were there and a Uyghur dude who had a noodle shop brought us to a 711 called Kedi to get us snacks. He even bought me cigarettes. Cigarettes cost at that time 1 singapore dollar and that’s really how broke we were. And we’re already eating at his shop for free. And he asked me to marry him. I should have said yes. Even though I had no idea what to reply him whenever he spoke to me. I understood damn well, but I just couldn’t reply except uh huh and no, no way.

Bangkok with my brother was fun. We shopped and ate like crazy. My sister-in-law always comes over to my house and tells me about cheap SQ (Singapore Airlines) tickets to Bangkok.

The only place I went to and didn’t shop was Sydney. That’s cause things were very expensive. I wanted to buy a jacket and I saw it was 300 dollars. But I did buy bras and panties. But I ate a lot in Sydney and that was expensive too. We easily spent about 400 dollars a day on food. In the states I got a jacket for 10 US dollars. So no way would I buy a 300 dollar jacket. My then boyfriend said it’s OK price but that’s cause he earned a lot of money. I believe he was a millionaire. But he drove a Honda. That’s how they remain millionaires. And when I was telling him how my Sydneysider friend was paying X amount a month he told me in less than a minute they borrowed X amount and had X number of years to pay. I think it’s a Chinese thing. They’re good with money and anything finance haha.

Yes my friends commented Singapore has so many Chinese you went to Australia to get one more. But the Chinese in Australia are unlike the Chinese in Singapore.

New York was and is always a good idea. F told me he doesn’t think so. I’ll tell you about F another time.

Indonesia is OK but mostly piss poor and being half Indo I know how to speak the main language so they usually speak Javanese amongst themselves to scam me. Dude. If my grandma hadn’t migrated to Singapore in the late 1930s you and me would practically be neighbours. I’d definitely speak Javanese! Still wanna scam me.

I’ve always wanted to go to Hokkaido. But I think it’s a place you should enjoy with a significant other. We shall see after this COVID situation is over. For someone who hasn’t been to Japan I know a lot about the place.

Where have you been?

Short Circuit

I have stayed home for very long. I only go out to run very necessary errands. Such as picking up my dad’s passport. That was a nightmare. So with the lockdown in place, oops, I mean the circuit breaker, most places are closed. Bookstores are closed. Anything non-food is closed. The only place I can go to spend money at or on is the supermarket. And that is a shitfest I’d rather not take part in. Other places opened are.. Shops that sell glasses (the prescription kind). I’m not too worried about breaking my glasses. All of us have myopia here. So it is essential. I get it.

So anyway. We went to collect the passport at the post office. While I am not that smart about money and men, I think I made the right decision opting for my dad to collect the passport at the post office near my house (but not near enough to walk to). So the immigration place is somewhere in the centre of Singapore. You can argue it’s almost the east side. I live in the west. So taxi would have cost 30 dollars each way. So that’s 60 dollars. The post office is 15 dollars for trips to and fro. So we saved 45 dollars. Not bad at all! And if you’re wondering why don’t we just take public transport and save 56 dollars, yeah we don’t do that. First of all, I don’t like people. Second of all. I’m kidding. There is no second of all.

Work is going OK. Except. I think basically I’m sort of done working.. with people… There are a lot of stupid people around. For example. They don’t understand how URLs work??? Then they mess up shared Excel/Google sheets with changes saved real-time and then because it’s wrong, it affects other people and to divert everyone’s attention away from the mistake they do things such as getting angry and throwing a tantrum. Then when they have finished throwing a tantrum and calmed the fuck down, they’d message an apology (…) and say ‘I am a (their star sign)’. What nonsense. I am a Sagittarius. Does that give me the right to be a dick? I think apologies do nothing for me. If you hadn’t lost your temper you wouldn’t have to apologise in the first place.

My brain is turning into serious mush. So I went on Instagram to browse. I usually go on it to look at Jessica Alba’s TikTok posts and other funny stuff. So Ron Howard posted a picture of his newest (oops. YOUNGEST) granddaughter and I sat there thinking how come I didn’t know Zooey Deschanel was pregnant? So I went to Zooey Deschanel’s Instagram and nope, no announcement of any baby. Then I started Googling Zooey Deschanel, clicked ‘News’, didn’t see any pregnancy news, then Googled Emily Deschanel, nope still no new baby, and it (finally) dawned on me that no, Ron Howard wasn’t Zooey Deschanel’s father. Zooey Deschanel’s father is Caleb Deschanel. Ron Howard is Bryce Dallas Howard’s dad. They don’t even have the same last name! I have no idea why I was so confused. I mean if it’s a post about Zooey Deschanel and I am thinking of Katy Perry okay I get it. If I have to think Jessica Chastain and Bryce Dallas Howard okay I get that, too. But Zooey Deschanel does not look like Bryce. Also. The two people I can never tell apart are Isla Fisher and Amy Adams. I always get them wrong. Maybe I got confused because both actresses (Zooey and Bryce) have director fathers.

I am suddenly very sleepy and woozy. It is 4.34AM. I have watched the entire Blacklist season 7 up until the latest episode.

I might go to sleep after all.

Movies I Like

I have been working from home since three weeks ago or so. I’d like to say it’s been a month, but I am really not sure. Time seems to be moving quickly and coming to a standstill all at once. Like now when I roll out of bed I have to check my phone to see if it’s a weekday.

But the good part about working from home is I get to watch movies! I used to be the kind to go on Rotten Tomatoes to check the score and anything less than 70% I just didn’t watch. Because life is too short to read crap books and watch crap movies. I outgrew that thinking eventually, so now without relying on Rotten Tomatoes and other people’s opinions I watch and read with an open mind, and then form my own opinion. Sometimes I don’t even have an opinion about the media I consume, and I am perfectly OK with that. If it sucks, it sucks. It’s like belief in certain things. For example, marriage. Even if you believe in the sacredness of marriage and whatever the hell it stands for, if it doesn’t work out, it doesn’t work out. Your belief has nothing to do with it.

I digress.

Okay so I like mostly action or espionage movies and some of the best movies I’ve watched were discovered accidentally. Like The Godfather. I turned it on for my parents one time because they wanted to watch it, yet again, and I hung around and was hooked. It’s a movie I still watch when I want to put something on, and funnily it’s something I don’t skip/fast forward nor wince (I have a short attention span so this says a lot).

I like Die Hard and probably can remember the sound of the guns going off in every scene. People in my life always joke that’s my holiday movie (yes, I feel warm and fuzzy when I watch it. It always makes me want to make hot chocolate). I think I’ve watched it 84 times. Possibly more. If you think about it, I could have watched one Die Hard movie plus 83 non-Die Hards, but that was not how I lived my life, so I have a lot of catching up to do. I like Die Hard 3 too. Crappy score on RT. The one with Samuel L. Jackson and Jeremy Irons (I do have daddy issues). It’s set in New York. Aside from Die Hard the original and Die Hard 3 I don’t watch other Die Hards more than once. I’m still trying to finish the one with Maggie Q and the hackers. She is hot. But a bit too skinny.. If you asked me what that movie was about I could tell you now I’m not really sure. OK I just saw the Rotten Tomatoes score. 82%. That’s almost as good as El Camino.

I like The Thomas Crown Affair, too. The one with Pierce Brosnan. The scene I like most is of course when he comes back to the museum, puts on a bowler hat, and then police think they’re gonna catch him and he disappears into the crowd, with lookalikes in bowler hats walking around the museum serving as distraction. For a while after watching that movie I wanted to have a spy boyfriend who did this kind of exciting things. I also had very impure thoughts about Pierce Brosnan and spent some time thinking about my daddy issues.

I don’t understand movies such as Napoleon Dynamite or Pineapple Express so I don’t watch those. But I’d probably buy a T-shirt that says Vote For Pedro. If they had my size. I also don’t watch anything popular at the time of its release not because I want to be different, but because I like to take my own sweet time coming round to it.

I like Mean Girls. Probably watched it a hundred times. Also quite apt for me because according to someone I can be a vicious mean girl. Don’t get him wrong okay. I am not a vicious mean girl, but I can be, OK??? There is a difference!

Oh I liked Miss Congeniality for a while. And He’s Just Not That Into You. It’s one of those rom-coms I get. My sister says it’s the movie with three Jennifers. Jennifer Aniston. Jennifer Connelly (hot stuff) and Ginnifer Goodwin. So thats actually 2 Jennifers and 1 Ginnifer (Jennifer, too but not quite). However, I didn’t understand Valentine’s Day nor New Year’s Eve. It’s the same premise. Ensemble cast. I don’t know why they do that. It’s a rom goddamned com. Too many characters to keep track. Somebody is always related to somebody else in those movies and frankly it exhausts me.

I also spent a lot of time watching Bollywood movies. I liked Salaam Namaste when I was in my late teens. But I’m older now so if I had discovered it at 30 I’d probably not like it much. It’s classic crap. I did watch Junglee when my mom was still alive. We had spent a lot of time at Mustafa Centre and picked out old Bollywood movies.

I watch KL Gangster (Malay movie) anytime I have a link to watch the entire movie for free.

Funny story (at least to me). One time when I was around 15, my then best friend (we are ethnically the same, half Indonesian), let’s call her D, was hanging out at home with me. She saw a VCD (do you remember this??) of Mystery Men and told me “Hey I have the same VCD but it’s with A (our mutual friend)!” and there I was thinking all of us have watched the movie then. So when my brother came home I excitedly told him five different people including us have watched it. And my brother laughed and said D lent it to A, who lent it to her brother, who lent it to my brother. The very same VCD D touched was hers after all. We all no longer talk to one another. Last year my dad said he’d ask A’s parents why we no longer talked because we were so close as children. And I told my dad to knock it off don’t be uncool about it. We have all grown up! We make other friends.

Other movies I like/d: Leon the Professional, Taken (1 and 2), Takers, some Fast and Furious, Training Day, Ocean’s 11, Ocean’s 8 except the scene where Sandra Bullock’s character steals department store merchandise (that’s really unrealistic), The Help, Hot Fuzz, The Devil Wears Prada (this is one instance I like the movie more than I like the novel it was based on. Just skip the novel), White Chicks, most Guy Ritchie movies, some Wes Anderson (I think they’re designed nicely), Matilda. I’ve watched a lot of movies of course but these are the ones I like.

I think I need to watch more Malay movies. I have little knowledge about them and sometimes don’t understand references.

What movies do you like?

Circuit Breaker Times

My country is on some sort of a lockdown, but we don’t use that word around here, so let me just explain to you what we can and cannot do. One, if you’re not a nurse, a doctor, the dude that drives a public bus, a taxi driver, a childcare teacher, you’re supposed to stay home. Second, you can’t visit family, can’t really go out with a friend, can’t have your meals outside (yes, the ground floors of buildings qualify as outside), but bubble tea is available. Well, most food places are open, you can order takeout (we call it “takeaway”), you can get the food delivery service, no problem but you cannot eat outside. Everyone must wear masks. If it were your unlucky day, and you forgot a mask, and the authorities caught you, you’d have to pay 300 Singapore Dollars. So basically that’s it.

The numbers keep rising, there have been 10 deaths in the country. A lot of backlash from the common Singaporean: ooh why did Singapore close its borders too late, you give me 600 dollars but put in place such a hefty fine bla bla bla. Stay the fuck home!

One thing I learnt from COVID is I am actually the same person I was years ago. In some ways. In most ways I am not.

For example. People still ask me how to do homework. Well, ten years ago they asked me how to do their cousins’/kid siblings’ homework. I am actually still good at doing homework, I realise. Now they ask me how to do their kids’ homework. Not much change there.

I also discover I am still a nice person. Like if you ask me what I think about your brochure or write up I will say ‘yeahh I like it’ or ‘nahhh you should change it’ depending on how it is. And then I don’t stop there. I volunteer to enhance your stuff. I think the reason I’m not rich is because when people offer payment I don’t want to take it unless you’re my day job.

Then. I miss my family and friends. Technology helps a lot here so even if we’re not together we can always video chat. In fact I video chatted with my brother who showed me his kids.

I don’t have sexual intercourse now. That’s the thing that has changed a bit for me. It takes a lot for me to want to have sex. One thing I am confused about is I don’t want a relationship or anything serious but I don’t want meaningless sex either. Or to feel like a booty call. I can talk to you about sex next time. I thought ‘No sweat! Bitch can do this lockdown-but-not-lockdown shit!’ So I put on some sexy video to get myself in the mood. Turned my wand on. It vibrated for three seconds and stopped. I switched it on again. Brr brr brr. Stopped. Went on all night. Turned it on. Brr brr. I even thought maybe if I kept doing it I’d finally get off at 3AM. I Googled the shop from where I got it. Wanted to email them. Thought I’d sound ridiculous going off about my dead wand when the whole world is trying to not die from coronavirus. Didn’t email in the end. Complained to friend (a girl) about how adult toy stores should open because sex, along with anything related to sex, is essential.

She started laughing and half-choking. Stopped to catch a breath and told me

“Go to the pharmacy. They sell sex toys!”

So I am going.