Mental Illness Kicks My Ass

Almost a month ago I took a shower upon reaching home from work, fed my cat, and got ready to bring myself to the hospital. I had suicidal thoughts, but I now feel I either would have killed myself then or my boss the next day (seemed like a good idea at the time, she deserved anything bad coming her way), and neither scenario was ideal, so I’d better checked into the hospital.

I cried for two hours before reaching the hospital.

What a crazy start to the decade.

I was hospitalised for two days, and received hospitalisation leave for ten days.

The day I got back to work (two weeks ago) I handed in my resignation. My job requires a month’s notice but because I had so much leave I utilised all and have been at home since a week ago.

I didn’t and still don’t feel good about checking myself into the hospital. I think it was the weakest thing I did in my life. Xanax calms me, but I hate the idea of taking it. Risperidone spikes my sugar level, but coupled with lithium I sleep better.

Then the whole concept of living with mental illness saddens me and every time I feel I’ve made some progress, I will regress in other aspects, and I feel I might as well not take my medicine. I also feel isolated and very far away from my loved ones. They try to understand, and I am not good at articulating everything to them even though I jot notes about how I am feeling. It gets frustrating.

It is a constant battle. I try to read about bipolar to understand what I am dealing with, but I also don’t relate to accounts from other people living with bipolar, so I am not sure how to move forward.

There are so many things to sort out now, starting with getting enough sleep and immersing myself in activities that actually bring me some joy, anything short of mania.

I also don’t want to hang out with people, but I met my social obligations these past two weeks, and I was truly happy spending time with family and friends.

How do you deal with your mental illness? Do you obsess about it? Or do you take your medicine, shut up and ride the waves?

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