I cannot really write a lengthy entry today so to cut one long story short: if we hadn’t talked in a while, I quit my job in September 2018, and remained unemployed until I received a phone call sometime in February this year about a job. If I had been given a choice, I would totally not have taken it, but a job is after all a job, and if it didn’t pay too poorly then why the hell not?
I find my colleagues mostly sheltered and uneducated, and while I would have allowed myself to assimilate to such people around me in the past, I am just getting old, just set in certain quirky Bonneka ways, so while nothing has ever escalated to contention, I constantly find myself feeling sick to my stomach about how people behave.
My colleagues all seem to have one thing in common – asking stupid questions. I have developed this checking system (it’s not something I consciously do). Is it anyone’s business? Is the person I’m talking to open-minded enough to accept my response? Is it a stupid question? If it’s No, No, Yes, I usually offer my best Mona Lisa smile and get back to whatever I had been doing.
Question 1: If there is a Malay guy that you really like would you date him?
Although S thinks I am a liddle bit racist I don’t think so. I always tell my friends it’s not about a guy being Malay. Being Malay by itself doesn’t bother me, but I have dated and talked to enough Malay men in my twenties to sense an undesirable pattern. However, I also have dated Chinese men or (insert race here) men who also behaved like the Malay men I try my best to avoid. Therefore, it’s not about race, it’s more about the kind of assholes I am attracted to or I attracted.
The answer to this stupid question is: Yes, if I really like him I will date him. Full stop.
Question 2: Why did you change your name?
I never felt connected to my birth name and would always wince when I was called upon in school or when my mom called me. Out of respect for my mother I didn’t change my name until after her death.
People always can’t accept the “I just didn’t like my birth name” as an answer.
Question 3: Why are you westernized?
This question makes me feel all sorts of things I never thought I was capable to feel. People, including me until sometime ago, think that the western world is so advanced, and that people are all liberal and allow their children to be sluts and lose their innocence at 16 (or insert any number that will qualify as ‘controversial’) years old. That can’t be further from the truth, and the thing is this: some people are more liberal than others, then there are people who aren’t, everywhere.
I am not a confrontational person most of the time because there is nothing much to achieve from being that way but I have been called vocal many times. I don’t think I’m rude. I know how to read a room, so it’s not like anything I say in public is off-colour/racist/mean.
Question 4: Do you have children? Oh you don’t? Malays usually have a lot of children!
I don’t like to discuss personal choices such as which political party I vote for, and whether I want to have children. The answer is a big fat no (for children), but I do have moments when I feel maternal, and that maybe having a child would be nice. But then I pull my head out of my ass and continue being childless because I just don’t want children. I might change my mind but the mind changing is only temporary. And it’s a question I’m sick of answering. I also don’t care if you suddenly have children yourself and think it’s the best thing on earth. I don’t comment on the choices you make.
I have lots more but I have dinner right now so I will continue later.